28
29
Head Master
Summer
2013
rite something funny,’ they
said! ‘We don’t want any well-trodden
homilies or a leaden reprise of how
the school has changed. We want to
be amused.’Little did they know that
the main reason for my retirement
was the fact that I had exhausted my
fund of educational anecdotes and was
fearful that public appearances on high
days and holidays would not be the
same as they once might have been.
In desperation I turned to my family.
‘What about the time …?’, they said and
all suddenly began to fall into place.
When one takes on a position such as
the Head of Merchant Taylors’ it is quite
a daunting experience and the badge
of that particular office, whatever one’s
shortcomings, does bring a certain degree
of authority that is manifest in the way
one is treated by others. It could be quite
easy to be beguiled by this and to assume
an attitude that reflects
it; it is good, therefore,
to have any potential
pomposity punctured from
time to time – and pupils
are certainly good at this
(albeit often unwittingly).
I recall early in my
term here that, whilst
talking to a colleague
in the corridor, a young
boy approached who had
performed particularly well in the Junior
Play the previous evening. Wishing to
congratulate him but, not wanting to be
rude to my colleague, I held up my hand to
indicate that he should stop so that I could
talk to him when I was able. He looked
slightly bemused but then had a moment
of epiphany, gave me a high five, and
continued on his way. I would guess that
Hugh Elder never had such an experience.
Assemblies are always fraught with
danger and almost inevitably there are
potholes that can trip an unwary HM up,
or, for the very unfortunate, be fallen into.
I was generally on my guard having fond
memories of a Head under whom I served
in a former position who announced in the
final assembly of the year that ‘Mr Maxwell
and Mr MacPhee were getting married in
the summer’ – and got no further. For my
first assembly at MTS I decided to focus on
the school motto – a fairly safe topic one
would have thought – but unfortunately I
also chose to mention some mottos from
other local schools which included that
of Watford Girls’ Grammar School whose
‘W
abjuration to its pupils was ‘Be ready, and
have hope’. I am still not quite sure why this
caused such mirth – it may be that I used
the phrase ‘somewhat enigmatically’ when
I introduced it – but I do know that I was
severely upbraided for my effrontery by the
first member of that august institution that
I actually met.
Apart from this I generally avoided
assembly mishaps though I narrowly
missed decapitating a member of the Third
Form when presenting a fencing award in
the form of a fairly vicious sabre. I was also
blindsided by an inappropriately named
Quad Soccer team and apparently to have
a ‘beef’ with somebody means something
completely different these days.
Dignity is of course but skin deep and I
recall meeting with a group of three boys
in the Head Master’s corridor and, turning
to retrieve something for them from my
office, I slipped on the (highly polished)
steps and measured my length. As I
struggled to my feet I could sense a silent
but pronounced tension behind me that I
could only put down to a genuine concern
for my welfare and a real urge to burst into
hysterical laughter. It says much for the
quality of the MTS pupil that it was the
former that triumphed – I have taught in
schools where it certainly would not have
done – and all that was proffered (by the
eldest of their number) was an enquiry as
to my well-being.
Interviews have always been fruitful
ground for precocious words of wisdom.
Very early in my headship I recall
interviewing a young man (now studying
at Oxford University) and entering into
a discussion on the political mores of the
time. After a short time, and getting out
of my depth, I said to him, ‘I think you
know rather more about this than I do.’ His
response was nothing if not honest. ‘You
know sir,’ he said, ‘I rather think that I do.’
There have been those who (hopefully
confused) have asked whether I recall the
foundation of the school and there was
one young man who, when I offered the
information that, when I was at school,
there were no calculators, responded with
the observation, ‘Gosh, you must be really
old!’ In the interview process I tend to ask
candidates what their favourite filmmight
be – and there have been some interesting
answers. An 11 year old who could talk with
passion about ‘Duck Soup’ certainly got
the thumbs up but my favourite has to be
the slightly older boy who professed a love
for ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s.’ When asked
why he looked me in the eye and said. ‘I
think Audrey Hepburn is simply gorgeous,
don’t you?’
In lessons I have tended to teach only
the Fourth Form, and they seem to find that
the thought of being in a lesson taught by
the HM as being rather daunting – well, for
a few weeks at least. In one lesson we were
looking at the Siege of Leningrad in the
SecondWorldWar where temperatures fell
to minus 40 degrees. One of my charges
asked what it was like to be in such low
temperatures and I said
that I had only ever been
in temperatures of minus
26 when skiing, but that
I did remember being
able to break off bits of
my moustache. He looked
at me innocently and
asked, ‘Did the same thing
happen to your hair?’ One
cannot help but laugh.
There are lots of events
that Heads have to attend and these in
their turn can give rise to embarrassment.
For example, being forced, at the Drama
Support Group murder mystery evening
to accept the booby prize on behalf of
my losing team; regularly showing my
ignorance at the Music Quiz Supper
including, on one notable occasion, failing
to recognise the school song (though, in
my defence, it had been expertly disguised
by Mrs Stubbs); and failing to back any
winning beast at all in the Scrummers’
Ferret Racing evening.
I will finish though with Phab, which
is, of course, a special part of the school. I
have always fought shy of playing the role
of Father Christmas – some, inexplicably,
feel that I am suited for the role – but
when asked to do so for the Phab South
East Christmas Party I felt that I could
not refuse. The Phab guests, of all ages,
believed implicitly in Santa and their
subsequent affection was quite physical.
I was black and blue by the end but there
were a lot of happy guests. They never told
me about that at interview!
In lessons I have tended to teach
only the Fourth Form, and they
seem to find that the thought of
being in a lesson taught by the
HM as being rather daunting –
well, for a few weeks at least.
